**This is an older post that I have been holding on to.. I am fine and in much better mindset!
THIS POST CONTAINS POSSIBLY TRIGGERING CONTENT. PLEASE READ AT YPUR DISCRETION
I thought about suicide today. The first day in a year. The. First. Day. In. A. Year. I’ve thought about suicide.
It hurts to write this especially knowing the people closest to me are going to read it but I promised to be true to myself and the ups and downs. Today you witness a down.
I lie here in my bed and I start thinking of all the bad in the world. My brain keeps playing jokes on me. Something has to be going on in my life that is horrible right? Wrong. My life is good. I have a loving spouse and the greatest kids. My job is decent. It pays the bills and allows us to travel at least once a year. I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. It really isn’t that bad. But I thought about suicide today.
I don’t put this out here for pitty and I want everyone to know I would never harm myself or my children but it’s not always easy. It’s not always ups. Yea my medicine makes it easier to deal with. Makes it easier to cope. But what it doesn’t do is cure everything. Overall, I am a happy person. Overall, I have changed, but it doesn’t mean the bad days don’t happen. It doesn’t mean I don’t have to embrace the bad days and remember why I am here. Remember why I need to live. Remember without me my girls, My poor little girls who have so much love to give, won’t have the only parent that’s been there for them since the begging. I need to be here to show them how to live in this crazy ass world. I need to be here to hold them when they need to be held, like I need someone to hold me right now. I need to be here to be their shelter in the storm. And bub. He needs his mom to teach him what he wants out of a women. What it’s like to have a good women in his corner. He will need his mom when he is at his darkest. I have to live for them. I have to be here for them. I have to love them. And that’s why I chose life today. That’s why today when I thought about suicide, I quickly talked myself off the ledge.