Not okay

I stand in the shower. Hot water running down my body. Tears flowing from my eyes. I’m not okay. I know I’m not okay.

It’s been a year. My medicine isn’t working the same. I’m in a rut and I can’t get out. I’m starving but I can’t eat. I wanna go places but I can’t get out of bed. I want to be a good mom and wife but it’s so fucking hard. I cry in the shower because I feel weak if I cry in front of everyone. I’m supposed to be the face of success. I’m supposed to be the face of mental happiness but I’m not okay.

Yes, I’m medicated. Yes, I’m taking the steps (have a dr appt this week) but I’m just not okay. I feel myself falling back into the whole I tried so hard to pull myself out of. It takes a toll on every aspect of my life. Work sucks. Home sucks. Cooking sucks. Living sucks.

I thought about suicide for the first time in a year but the kids keep me here. The kids need me and that’s why I will chose life no matter how hard it gets I will always chose life for my kids. They can’t live without their momma and I don’t want to even think of seeing them try.

As I sit here in the bottom of the tub with the shower on I still am thankful for them because without them I don’t know where I’d be. I don’t know that I would be alive and it’s hard to imagine anyone else would even be bothered if I weren’t… but my kids. I have to stay for my kids.

Depression is real. Mental health is so important. Seek help. Seek something. Do something.

I love you guys 🖤❤️

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