Let’s talk mental health. It’s what I preach on so let’s address it a little further. We’ve touched on depression so let’s touch in recovery.
October 2018, my grandma( moms mom)passed away unexpectedly. She had many health issues but it was still a shock. The next Thanksgiving was really rough as I spent just about every Thanksgiving and Christmas with my grandparents. I needed a recipe and realized I couldn’t call my grandma to get it. It cause a lot of heartache. Not long after she passed, I was in a horrible mental spot. I remember getting in the shower and sitting while the water ran over me and cried and screamed. I was so mad. How could the one person I could call for help be gone? How could my grandma not be a phone call away anymore? It was a very rough time for me.
Last year, I lost my granddaddy (dads dad). I attended the funeral and I cried and sobbed over his dead body. It was so traumatic my family talked about it for a while. I lost it. I couldn’t contain the pain any longer. The pain from losing one grandparent and now losing another. I stayed away from family for a while because I couldn’t deal with the loss anymore.
Today, I lost my papa (moms dad). This man was more of my father than my grandfather. We did everything together when I was younger. He told stories of him carrying me around with my foot in his pocket when I was little. He called me his baby. I was his baby and he was my main man as my sister called it.
Last night I got the news that he lost life and they revived him and had him on a vent. I cried and pleaded with God to please not take him yet. As I’m driving home, balling my eyes out, I hear a voice. It’s my grandma and she reassured me I was going to be okay. (Call me crazy if you want but whatever it happens 😂). In that moment I came to terms with his passing. I said to myself, he’s lived a full life, the fullest life we could ever ask for. He fought in wars, retired from the military, married my grandma, and anyone who knows her knows how difficult of a task that had to of been. He raised my mom as his own. He taught us grandchildren to drive a tractor and catch the big fish. Although, that one time he ate the fish he promised he’d mount for me. 😭😭😭😭 he took us on rides around the block and taught us how to drive. He was the most amazing man alive.
The moral of the story is I didn’t freak. I cried. Duh I cried. A lot. Cause it’s sad. So sad. I will miss him every day for the rest of my life but I didn’t freak. I didn’t lock myself in the shower until the water ran cold screaming and cussing the world because he was taken. It’s not because I didn’t love him as much as my other grandparents. It’s not because it isn’t effecting me as much. If anything this one is the hardest. It’s because I am mentally stable. Fuck. I am mentally stable. Never said that before. It’s so refreshing because I am able to make rational decisions and come sit with my mom who just lost her father without it being about me. I’m able to just hold her up. Be in her presence. Let her know she has someone without losing my mind. It’s so refreshing!
If you are struggling with mental health, reach out. To me. To your family. To the doctor. To someone. Reach out, I promise getting help will feel better than ignoring it.
Papa. I love you so damn much. I will miss you every single day of my life. Thank you for raising me to be the person I am. 😘 RIP with grandma. finally reunited.