Most of you guys know by now just from reading the blog that I suffer from depression. About a year ago I was diagnosed with severe manic depression and severe social anxiety on top of three other minor forms of depression and anxiety. Since then, I have been prescribed antidepressants and as you guys know I took my prescription for my antidepressant and I went and got my medical marijuana card. So I want to talk about depression, what it is in my point of view from my understanding of what the doctor has told me, things that I have found personally that help me cope besides medication, and just give a couple stories about what’s happened in my lifetime of depression. For the sake of not putting everyone close to me on blast I will not be using names in this blog simply because I don’t know how these people feel about their depression and handling their depression and if they want that posted all over the Internet so we will keep it at he’s and she’s.
I’ve talked about before where my depression stems from. From childhood issues, to teenage and be raped, to adult and being abused to somehow finally getting up the courage to go to the doctor and actually be diagnosed with something that is a huge deal to me. After being diagnosed with manic depression which from my understanding is also known as bipolar disorder I learned that my grandmother was bipolar and it runs in the family. If I would’ve known about that sooner, I may he would of went to the doctor sooner. I guess I did know that she was bipolar but I didn’t understand what bipolar was until I went to the doctor and they told me what bipolar was. However, it was not something that was talked about in my family we didnt Communicate about this diseases and how it affects you and what do you need to do to cope with it it was just pushed off like we couldn’t talk about it.
Some of the closest people to me have depression but it hasn’t been diagnosed. It pains me watching them walk around daily in so much pain, in so much misery, and not knowing the way out. It really hurts me to see these people dealing with what I have dealt with for years without anyone knowing. When it is talked about I try to convince them to go to the doctor or to do anything besides nothing but just like any other person fighting depression that I’ve ever encountered it’s hard. Sometimes it’s hard to get up in the morning, it’s hard to convince yourself to shower, it’s hard to be a wife, it’s hard to be a mom, it’s hard to literally live. I remember many of nights that might girls ate cereal for dinner because I could not convince myself to get out of bed long enough to cook dinner, which means I went to bed hungry. There was a point where we were homeless. Not many people know this fact about me because I don’t talk about it much but the twins and I, we lived in hotels for months. I was miserable in my own life. I hated my life. I’ve talked about before about having thoughts of ending my life. It’s hard it’s hard to live. It’s especially hard to live when you have people looking up to you. You would think having people looking up to you or having people close to you would make it better but it’s doesn’t. It makes you feel like you’re more of a failure, like you’re more of a piece of shit, like everyone would be happier if you were gone than they are with you there.
I remember a time while we were homeless I was so miserable and I was so upset I hated everything. I sent the kids to the pool, I turned the water on in the shower and I climbed in the shower and I sat there, literally sat in the tub with the water running and I screamed and I cried for what felt like hours. It had to of been a while because the water got cold. I was so upset at where my life had ended up. I was upset that I allowed myself to get in the situation I was in. I was mad at myself for allowing my children to be raised in this nonsense. I was hurt that I couldn’t pull my self together long enough to make sure they were ok. (For the Karen’s, my kids were still taken care of it was just rough). The thing about living with depression is you still have to live your daily life. You still have to wake up, you still have to be a mom, you still have to go to work, you still have to be whatever it is that you are on a daily basis you still have to be that.
I remember another time that I cried literally from New Orleans, Louisiana to Panama City, Florida. I cried so bad I started hyperventilating. I had to pull over on the side of the road, get out of my car, sit on the grass and try to calm myself down. I know the people closest to me are going through the same thing. For someone who doesn’t battle with mental illness, seems stupid sometimes, it seems as if they are doing nothing to help themselves. Sometimes I catch myself thinking they’re helpless, they they don’t want to help themselves and I know that’s not the fact I know the fact is is that they cannot wake up in the morning and be able to say you know what I’m going to do something today. I’m going to do some thing about my depression. I’m going to do something about my life and I’m going to change it. What seems like such an easy task, calling the doctor, scheduling appointment, going to the gym, going for a walk, doing anything to get yourself out of your mind is the hardest thing possible. I didn’t wake up in the morning and decide I’m gonna be miserable today I woke up miserable. I went to sleep miserable. I know these people are going through the same thing and it hurts so bad to know that these are my family and friends. It hurts so bad to know that there’s literally nothing I can do. I try. I try to talk to them. I try to convince him to go see a doctor. I try to invite them to the gym. I try to do anything that I can possible to get them out of the house and get them out of their element and just give them some freedom whatever let me be just some freedom.
The way depression was explained to me is your brain creates a chemical that tells you to be happy when you are depressed your brain lacks that ability to do so so it doesn’t release and he happy. Obviously that’s not textbook definition that is just how it was explained to me in layman terms and that is how I explain it to my children in order for them to understand what I go through and what they could possibly go through. Your body literally doesn’t know happy. Think about that for one minute. Your body…. doesn’t know happy. The only thing that can help this is for you to change yourself. You are going to have to get to a point where you are so tired of feeling hurt regret pain misery that you make a decision to fix it to make it better to do something.
Some things that I have found that help me are any kind of cardio. Cardio releases nature “happy”. It is a natural antidepressant. Yoga also. Yoga helps with the mind and body. Getting a shower helps, just stand under the warm water and think of the water as washing your problems away. The obvious, medication helps but a lot of people don’t want to be medicated so we need to find an alternative for coping. Go talk to someone. Surprisingly, talking actually helps. The first step however is admitting you have a problem that needs to be fixed. Not just saying it but believing it.
If there is a single person out there who wants advice or just to talk about how to overcome depression and how to talk to your family about it how to be a mom with it how to talk to your children about it how do you anything please reach out I will be more than happy to help you get through this time in your life and be a better person be a happy person. Y’all I’m happy for the first time ever in my life I can sit here right now just got off work just left the gym I’m tired I’m Herton I’m sore I just wanna go home shower go to bed but I’m happy. You can be happy too.