Dirty Thirty

For me turning 30 was scary. It was the first milestone that I regretted. For some reason 30 seems like the end of the world. I just knew turning 30 was going to suck. So here we are…. Today I turn 31.

30 started off with the greatest birthday party. My best friend, Lisa, convinced me we were going to lunch but I needed to go to her house first.. that’s where we meet every time we go out so it was no big deal. I get there and she has invited all my closest girls over for a surprise pool party. We drank and we had a blast. It ended with me pulling my fake eye lashes off and leaving them pool side. This is only after I drop my entire cake in a puddle of water, pick it up and take photos with it 😂😂

A couple months later Mike and I split up. We have been living together for 6 months at this point. We both struggle with mental health issues and we just couldn’t take care of each other in the midst of it. Personally I was bad off. I slept all the time. I would come home from work and go straight to my bed and sleep. Some days it took everything in my power to even shower, and when I did shower I would sit in there and cry. I was not happy. I loved Mike and I felt horrible for allowing myself to get so low that I couldn’t pull myself out and it ended it a breakup. One that I never expected and one that took a huge toll on my mind and body.

I knew in order to get Mike back I was going to have to take care of myself. This was the time for me to figure out what I wanted in life and how to be happy. I took the first step. It was so hard but I called for an appointment with a counselor. The first phone call with the counselor I cried for the entire hour. I told her the things that went on in my brain literally 24/7. That day I was diagnosed with manic depression, moderate depression, and 3 forms of anxiety, the worst being social anxiety. She, the counselor, scheduled me for a doctors appointment where he prescribed me Prozac 10 milligrams 2 times a day. Okay I can do that I suppose. The first day I took my medicine it felt like I had drank an energy drink. It sped up my heart rate and gave me the most energy. Of course there were side effects, headache and nausea being the worst. I felt relief from the suicidal thoughts and the emotional break downs almost instantly. It was explained to me that 1. Manic depression aka bipolar disorder is hereditary and 2. People who suffer from manic depression are lacking the ability for their brain to release serotonin on its own, which is where the medication comes in, it tells your body to realize it. Y’all when I tell you I had a clear vision for once. My brain wasn’t fogged over by depressed Linda. I was finally able to think.

One of the downfalls of the clear brain was I was able to see just how much my body aches. It became all I could think about. Still working with the doctors to figure out why I hurt so bad but I took my depression diagnoses and I went to Doc MJ and I got my medical marijuana card. Every night I would come home from work and I would lay in bed and I would be in so much pain from working that day. My back would be so sore and my restless legs would keep me up half the night. I already took care of the wondering thoughts now it was time to take care of my pain as well. Smoking weed does this for me. I can come home from work in so much pain and smoke and it takes all the pain away. It’s quite great. So when ya see me high just remember I’m happy and not in pain.

So anywho, a couple months pass by and I’m literally for once living my best life. I found a way to fix the pain, mentally and physically. It was glorious. Mike and I were separated for 5 months ish. In this time I found myself. I finally started doing what made me happy. I took the twins and put them in counseling. We are much happier now. I met some great people in this time frame. Some of them are still great friends.

Mike and I decided to mend things and get back together. We have been back together for months now and it’s better than ever. I have the mental space for a relationship now. I no longer think the worst. I no longer think he’s out cheating, cause we both know for a fact he loves the fuck out of me and would never do that. I no longer think he’s going to just up and leave me. I no longer have doubts about us anymore. I have not had a suicidal thought in months. I have not fought with the kids, like really fought since we both became happier. We can actually talk about life without me freaking out.

I say all this to say I found myself , really found myself with the help of medication and weed. I found my will to live. I now love my job, have healthy happy kids, have the greatest relationship ever, and I am genuinely happy FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.

Ohhhh and it’s my birthday!!! So if ya feel generous you can leave a gift. Cash app $boobaby4202 Pay pal becromer5408@gmail.com 😘

I can only hope 31 is as good to me as 30 😍