I wanna take a break in the sad boys and the abuse to talk about my babies a little. They aren’t babies anymore but they will always be my babies.
Sometimes I think back on life and I wish I would’ve done this different. I was 18, fresh out of high school, had so many plans and goals. I wanted to be a pediatrician. I wanted to go to college and stay in a dorm. I wanted to travel for work. I wanted so many things and further down that list I wanted one day to be a mom. I was at the in-laws and I was eating a pickle wrapped in cheese and Melissa (Robert’smom) told me I was pregnant. I did not believe her for a second. I missed my first period so I took a test and it was positive. I was so scared. So fucking scared to tell my family. I knew they would be so disappointed because I was the good kid with a future. I remember telling my mom and to my surprise she was happy. I’m sure she had other feelings but she never let them be known. She was excited to be a grandma.
I was 11 weeks when I went in for a sonogram. Dr. Jackson has me on he table, belly out, getting a sonogram.l when he says “Do you see what that it?” I just look at him like he’s crazy and say “uh you’re the doctor, not me.” He says “well this is one baby and this is another baby”. Uhhh I’m sorry? He says “you’re having twins”. In that moment I was so excited. I always wanted twins. Their dad stumbles and hits the wall. His face is so pale. We thought he was going to pass out. While I’m so excited. We left the appointment and I call my mom.
“Mom, good news or bad news first?”
“Good news first, always”
“The babies are fine”
“Did you just say babies?”
That’s how I told my mom i was pregnant with twins. She couldn’t believe it.
So we already know I was miserable while pregnant so fast forward to the day they were born. May 28, 2008 8:39 pm via c-section Belinda was born. I got to hold her for a couple minutes and then they took her out of the room. 8:41 pm Elizabeth is born. I held her for what seemed like forever before they took her out of the room. It was the happiest day of my life. I just became a new mom.
The first years of their life were great. We struggled to make ends meet, I went through a divorce with their father, but overall when I look back on them being babies I was happy. August 16, 2011 I was blessed with my little man. His sisters loved him so much. They are the best big sisters ever. He couldn’t cry without them trying to help. So not much happened for the first couple years besides a horrible custody battle (that we may or may not talk about more later. We will see) but I had the most well behaved children and they are so loving.
So anyways, fast forward years. Say like 5-8 years. My depression is bad! So bad! I just went through the break up with Nick. I just lost my job. I was really struggling. I had to move back in with my mom and start from scratch. I’m driving down 231 alone after work one night and I had a bad day so I think to myself “ what if I Just ran my car off the side of the road and hit a tree, would anyone even miss me? Who would notice I was gone? Who would care that I was gone? Who would be the first person two come see me in the hospital? Would there be a single soul that really genuinely cared?“ I was convinced that no one would be phased if I ran my car off of the side of the road that day. I was convinced and that no one love me enough to care if I died that day.
Fighting back the tears, I remembered those three baby faces that I wake up to every morning. I remembered how the twins climb in my bed every morning and wake me up with a kiss. I remember bubby singing these crazy Spanish songs that he learned from me. I remembered that without me the twins have no one. Sure they have a Nana, grandma, papa, and pawpaw but they already don’t have a dad, what would happen to them if they lost their mom too? Who would care for them? He would wake up every morning and get them ready for school? Who would be present for their graduation? In that day I chose to live. Not for me or anyone else but for those kids. EJ would have it hard but he has a fantastic dad who he could rely on but who would my little girls have? They would have no one without mom and I couldn’t imagine leaving them like that.
Those kids are the only reason I am still alive. I think back on this day often, especially when I’m having a bad day and I remember the reason I chose to live. Now when I have a bad day I go into the living room and I cuddle with them on the couch or we cook dinner together or we do something to show them that I love them so much and I could never make the choice to leave them.
I am so glad I had them at a young age. I am so glad they gave me a reason to live. Family and friends talk shit about me because I had 3 kids by 21. I was a young mom but that has done nothing but given me a reason to live and little hearts to love.
2 thoughts on “Twinny Twin Twin”
This sitting on the car contemplating that came this. Yeah that was me also, way to many times. And it was always and still is my son’s face that keeps me from taking that final leap. I hope it gets better for you.
It already is better. So much better.