The Second Love

They say you fall in love three times in your life. The first love is when you are young. It’s the idealistic love—the one that seems like the fairy tales we read as children. That was my Corey. He was perfect. The second love, the hard love, teaches us lessons about who we are and what we need out of love. We think we are making different choices than our first, but in reality we are still making choices out of the need to learn lessons—but we hang on. Our second love can become a cycle, oftentimes one we keep repeating because we think that somehow the ending will be different than before. Yet, each time we try, it somehow ends worse than before. This was my Nick. Best friends turned into a love and oh the lessons it taught.

We had been friends for years through high school. We lost touch and one day reconnected over the good ole Facebook. Nick used to drive to Madison every weekend just to spend a couple days with me and then would drive back to Panama first thing in the morning for work. We did long distance for a while and then I moved back home and we ended up moving in together. Our relationship was weird. It was great when it was great but horrible when it was bad. This was the first time I had actually felt loved in years but I didn’t know how to handle it. Up until now men have been so mean and so selfish I didn’t know what to do with his love. I was mean. I was bitter. In return he was mean. I remember being called a whore the first time I did a boudoir shoot. We fought so bad but the love was so strong. So weird.

The second time we decided to date was worse. We would fight and say hurtful things to each other. I am as much to blame as he was. We tried to make it work. He was a huge part of my life as well as my children. He loved them so much and they him. After 3 years of the hurtful words (from both of us), the fighting, the hiding phones to piss each other off we went through the worst phase of our relationship. Nick wrecked his car and broke his hand. He was out of work for a while. In this time I lost my job. Things got really rough and we just got meaner. There was so much going on in each of our personal lives that we couldn’t figure out how to love each other properly. We got into a huge fight while I was at the dollar store(crazy how you remember the silliest details) Have no idea what we were fighting about but for the first time ever I was called a cunt. I came unglued. I told him to pack his things and leave. We were done. I couldn’t take the toxicity anymore. I couldn’t put out the negative energy anymore. I couldn’t hold on to the what if’s and the potential we had any longer. We split wnd it was the worst time of my life. Not only did I lose my boyfriend I lot my best friend of years. I was lucky enough to have him still come around and make holidays as normal as possible for the kids but as a couple it was over.

Until about 2 years ago I still missed him. I still wanted to reconnect again and make things right. It still hurt so bad. However, things happen for a reason and we both needed to grow up. We still have a pact, if we are both single at 40 we are marrying each other ❤️

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