Take it back one time

Let’s go back in time… tell you about my past and why I hated my body so much.. this will be a multiple entry topic cause I have 30 whole years to talk about here. A little disclosure.. imma shine light on why I am the way I am, why I have had these body image issues, why I hold on to the love I’ve gained from Mike and why I’ve cut off toxic family members. Grab your tissues it may get a little wet around here.

July 29, 1990 my mother, Belinda but for the sake of so many Belinda’s we shall call her mom, pushed me out of her vagina. Kinda disturbing but it’s life. She had her first baby girl. Mom. She’s an awesome mom. She has her flaws like anyone else but she never missed a baseball game. She never missed a recital. She never missed my little clumsy self trying to cheer. She was always there. Y’all she drove us from Chipley to Tommy Smith every single day because she didn’t want us having to switch schools. For you non locals that’s a good hour drive to and from school daily.. with 3 kids. 3 small kids. I have a big brother, BJ, two little sisters, Callie and Terina, and a younger *half* brother Marcus. I was BJ’s baby. He was my best friend(still is). So childhood life was fine. We went to grandma and papas quite often, basically our second home. We were taking care of, never went without. Visited Dad and Paula’s on the weekends. Life was grand.. so I thought.

I was always the “bigger” friend. Everyone was always sharing clothes and playing dress up and I could never participate because I was bigger than them which started the hatred for my body. For the ones of you that know my family know I was doomed from the beginning. Cromer’s, see we are short and stalky people. We have big ole bootys it’s just how we are built. I played softball and I was the biggest kid on the team as well as the slowest kid on the team. Grandma always said I was flat footed and that was why. 😂 So my image issues started at a young age. I don’t remember anyone ever telling me I was beautiful but I do remember being told by my dad that I was fat. I was trying to justify being big boned. Now I don’t know if that’s even a thing but I was a child. I was being mean old I was fat and I was trying to justify why. Now I would’ve just said duh look at my family history that you blessed me with 🤷🏼‍♀️ but I was a kid trying to fit in. So we’re talking about being big boned and he grabs my wrist and puts his fingers around it and says “see, you’re not big boned you’re just fat”. Why anyone would tell a child this I don’t know but here we are. Y’all I just wanted to fit in. I just wanted to play my baseball and have a good life. Sheesh. So fast forward because the rest is my child life was just baseball, school, cheer and nothing too interesting.

I’m a teenager. Yay for puberty 🙄 Middle school was easy for me. I didn’t have any issues that I can recall other than being clumsy and falling down UP the stairs once. I love school. It we my escape from home. Mom worked a lot so being the oldest girl I became the mom. I cooked and cleaned for mom. I got the brothers and sisters up and ready for school, even though BJ tried to convince me every day to skip and tell mom we missed the bus, but I couldn’t miss math class. It was my favorite. I was never popular but I had my little group of friends. So high school happened. Now I’m high school I was shy and still had the same group of friends. But high school was different. People were mean. Boys were mean. There is a stigma that if boys are mean to you then they like you. Why do we teach children this??! So anyway mean boys. Riding the bus one day and this boy says to me “you have dick sucking lips” uhh okay. I’ve never even sucked a dick before but okay. Same boy tells me every time he sees me that my ass is big. As a matter of fact he would do his hands in a circular motion and make a bloop sound. No men we don’t want to hear how big our assets are in high school. So I started hating my body even more. I never got a you’re pretty or smart or kind. It was always dick sucking lips and big ass.

Senior year ♥️❤️

Bay County decided to roll out school uniforms my senior year, so mom and I go to the store to find polos. Back then you couldn’t just go to Walmart because they didn’t carry them so we had to shop at the mall or JCPenny. Can you believe we couldn’t find shirts in my size. I literally only needed a large maybe x-large depending on the brand but it was still so hard to find. I couldn’t just go in the mall and find clothes because they were all too small. Which as you guessed it, made me hate my body even more.

I had a couple boyfriends and they all turned out okay until I met this one guy. We didn’t even really date we kinda just hung out. One day we were in his room and he tried to have sex with me. I told him no. He held down my arms anyways and had sex with me. I pretended to like it. I pretended it was okay and I never told a single soul (until now). Not my closest friends. Not my mom. Not my best friend big brother not a soul. (Mom sorry you’re finding out this way 😬😬) A couple years later I am still a young teen and I went over to my aunts boyfriends house. He fed me alcohol and kept pressuring me to have sex with him. I kept beating around the bush, saying no didn’t mean anything anyways, right? So he eventually pressures me into having sex with him. No matter how many time I said I didn’t want to. Again I lived with this. Again I didn’t tell anyone until now. This guy was a grown ass man, like 30’s and I was just a teen trying to figure out life. While I didn’t loose my virginity to either of these guys (thank God) they still took something from me. A lot of something. By the way the guy I lost my virginity to was Corey. My second ever boyfriend. The first ever love of my life. So at least they didn’t take that from me ❤️

To be continued…

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